People Are Not Their Behavior
In this series on the Presuppositions of NLP, we explore foundational principles that guide personal growth, communication, and change. Each presupposition offers unique insights into how we view ourselves and interact with others.
This post focuses on the fourth presupposition: People are not their behavior.
What Does This Mean?
This presupposition emphasizes the importance of separating a person’s identity from their actions. While behaviors may be unhelpful or harmful, they do not define the individual. Instead, behaviors are often shaped by external circumstances, emotional states, and the resources available at the time.
When we separate people from their behaviors, we create the space to respect them as individuals while addressing and improving their actions.
Why Is This Important?
If We See People as Their Behavior, That’s All They’ll Ever Be
Equating people with their actions can trap them in a fixed narrative, leaving little room for growth or change. By acknowledging that behavior does not equal identity, we open the door to transformation.
Fostering Compassion
Recognizing the distinction between identity and behavior allows us to approach others with compassion rather than judgment. This mindset helps us see mistakes as opportunities to support positive change.
Encouraging Growth
When we focus on behavior rather than identity, we encourage learning and development. This perspective reinforces the idea that people can grow and improve.
Building Better Relationships
Addressing behaviors without attacking someone’s character strengthens trust and communication. It shifts the conversation from blame to collaboration, fostering healthier relationships.
How Can You Apply This?
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Person
When addressing an issue, use language that separates the individual’s identity from their behavior. This reframing fosters a sense of collaboration and respect.
Example:
Instead of: “You’re careless.”
Try: “What strategies could help ensure we avoid this type of oversight in the future?”
NLP Twist: Reframe the feedback into an outcome-focused statement or question that presupposes a solution is achievable.
Explore What’s Behind the Behavior
Rather than assuming intent, use NLP-style questions to uncover the underlying drivers of behavior. These questions help access deeper layers of thinking and open up new possibilities for change.
Ask:
“What positive intention might this behavior be serving?” (Presupposes that every behavior has a purpose.)
“If you could view this from another perspective, what would you notice about the situation?” (Encourages perceptual positioning.)
Example:
Instead of focusing on why the behavior occurred, shift to curiosity:
“What resources or support would help you respond differently in similar situations?”
Use Constructive Language
In NLP, language patterns like presuppositions and well-formed questions can guide individuals toward solutions and growth.
Examples:
“What’s one small change we can make to improve this process?” (Presupposes there’s something actionable.)
“How can we build on what’s already working well to address this challenge?” (Leverages existing strengths while focusing on solutions.)
Practical Applications:
Frame questions to encourage collaboration: “What steps can we take together to move forward from here?”
Use sensory-specific language to clarify goals: “What would success look, sound, or feel like in this situation?”
By aligning the language with NLP principles, you encourage exploration, flexibility, and solution-focused thinking while maintaining rapport and respect.
Practical Exercise
Think about a recent situation where you or someone else acted in a way that wasn’t ideal. Reflect on these questions:
How could you separate the behavior from the person’s identity?
What external factors or emotions might have influenced the behavior?
How could you address the behavior constructively while respecting the individual?
Consider This
What would change in your relationships or self-view if you embraced the idea that people are not their behavior? How might this shift create opportunities for deeper understanding, compassion, and collaboration?
Final Thoughts
The fourth presupposition of NLP encourages us to see beyond actions and honor the person behind them. By focusing on behavior rather than judging identity, we create the conditions for growth, build trust, and foster meaningful change.
In the next subscriber-only post, we’ll explore the fifth presupposition: Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have available.
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